A PieCe Of My MinD

there’s an old song by Sam Cooke.. it’s called ‘A Change Is Gonne Come’. i believe the title itself alone delivers a very profound message, especially when we are stepping our feet into the new year in hopes of having a better one. a message of great hope.

since i was a kid, approaching new year was another excuse to go out and have fancy meals, to be jolly and enjoy the fireworks display of which we rarely see through out the year. i remember, every new year’s eve.. my family would have a special celebration and gosh, i miss those days.. days that i have terribly taken for granted. as i grew older, that tradition slowly faded away and everything got complicated. i have family issues and sometimes those issues get in the way of things–great things. im not gonna go through details cause everyone has problems and let’s face it, we dont like to hear nor face problems more than we like eating balsam pear or aubergine.

these couple of years, i’ve been spending new year’s eve with friends instead. it’s fun to be with friends. a different kind of fun compared to as what u would have with ur family. and tonight, the new year’s eve night… i had everything planned.. the perfect planned for a bunch of good friends to do. but in the nick of time, everything went wrong due to unforeseen circumstances and the plan got called off. fuck.

went out during the day and watched "Night At The Museum" with my old friends.
the movie wasnt bad, but it wasnt great either. it was nice to hang out with my old buddies (whom i havent seen in months) again and did a little catching up with them for old time’s sake. so i guess, that compensated for the uttermost dissapointing termination of my night plan. as soon as i got home, mum was getting ready to attend an office function at some grand hotel. so dad, bro n i went out for dinner at my dad’s favourite diner. they served the best ikan bakar, sate and dumplings. 3 of my favourite foods. well, at least that cheered me up a little.. nothing cheers u up like good foods.

while most of u were busy partying or barbecueing or having any form of celebration for the new year, i was stucked at home watching national geography with dad whilst my bro was out wif his friends. yeah.. u betcha, totally crappy new year’s countdown anyone could asked for.

for some reason, i dont feel at all excited for the new year like i would always would. and i just have this terrible hunch that 2007 gonna suck for me. i’ll have to double my effort of studying as my 1st semester final exam result wasnt at all encouraging. plus, i have to sit for A-levels’ AS exam from May to June. tremendous pressure is on again. sigh. but i’ll let God lead my way.  i am thankful for all the blessings He has given me through out 2006. i am truly grateful. 2006 has been by far the most AWESOME year of my whole 18 year of life. if 2006 was a loop-to-loop rollercoaster ride, i wish i could ride it again because what i’ve been through in 2006 was so much so what most people call "exhilarating". my only concern is that how on earth is 2007 gonna rock more than 2006 did? we shall wait and see then. after all, God works in mysterious ways.

i’m going back to college on tuesday morning and who knows, when will be the next time i’ll get to hang out with my buddies again. they say that good friends are hard to find, great friends are even harder. i hope i’ll make great friends at KMS and i think i already made one there (or at least, in progress i think?) . u noe who u r and if ur reading this, u suck! hahahaha.. (nvm, for those who didnt get wat i was saying. heh.)

last but not least, i wish u all a very splendid new year and may ur 2007 be filled with ever flowing joy, gladness and successes.

only God knows how much i love singing and performing but there is only one thing that almost always worries me. like peter pan who enjoys flying but fears terribly of growing up. or like a vampire who enjoys feasting on human blood but is afraid of the sun light. for me, it is stage fright. that forceful poundings u get between ur chest and ur heart that keep getting louder and stronger by the second.. that feeling of extreme anxiety for fear of making mistakes on stage or forgetting the words ur supposed to sing… yes, that’s what i am talking about.. Stage Fright.

ever since i break out of my shell (the shell that has kept me all shy and silent about my singing. yes its true, i was shy about my singing.. my only audience was the four walls of my bedroom as well as the walls of my shower room), the 1st time i sang on stage was truly overwhelming.. it gave me this incredible sense of satisfaction because at last, i was able to muster enough courage to do it.. to show my friends and everyone the other side of me, the singer side of me without fearing that they would judge me. well, if they did..so be it. i remember i was about 14 or 15 that time.. but i couldnt forget  the stage fright i had prior to my performance. i remember those terrible thoughts of screwing up, forgetting the lyrics, tripping on stage that sent signals to my hands and knees to tremble in fear. i almost felt like i could passed out but thankfully, i didnt.. but as the music played, i couldn’t wait to hit that 1st note of the song.. i remember singing "Thank You For The Music".there was this particular part of the song that went silent for a while and i swore i could hear the audience awed in amazement. subsequently, my stage fright was gone and so were my nerves.

but henceforth, the stage fright keeps coming back, like a boomerang, everytime when i was about to perform. i was never able to overcome this stage fright. i remember going for my 1st  audition at OIAM, i was gruesomely nervous.. to an extend where my throat went completely dry and there were butterflies in my stomach, my knees were violently trembling and a sudden sense of coldness came over me (or maybe it was the air-conditioner? haha..).. anyways, thanks to my nerves, i cracked one fucking note in my song but i continued the song til the end. i was totally dissapointed and surprised at the fact that i was capable of cracking that one crappy note. i could feel this sudden warm tinkle feeling cascading all over my face.. yes, it was the feeling of shame. but miraculously, the judges liked me and gave me the green light. i considered myself fortunate but at that point, i knew that i HAVE to kill my stage fright.

i never really manage to kill it yet but just recently, i finally managed to control it. and the result was fruitful. it was the best thing ever. last night, i performed at a Christmas Dinner. i sang ‘Oh Holy Night’ and ‘Pupus’. and i have to say. it was my BEST performance ever. i didnt tremble like i normally would and i nailed those songs. i hit those high notes like they never got hit before. and i even got great compliments from the VIPs that i didnt expect at all.. like TOTALLY.

a few more shows and i think i’m ready for another grueling singing competition. OIAM 2, here i come!