A PieCe Of My MinD

my a-levels A2 exam aka finals finally saw its last day a few days ago. surprisingly, i didnt feel happy nor relief but more anxious than i was before because i knew that i don’t have any more papers to redeem myself. its only a few days afterwards that i finally felt glad that it’s over because sitting for just 6 papers over a duration of 4 weeks is well, uh.. nerve-wrecking. u can’t chill or relax because u might feel guilty u didnt study n if u do study, u’d reach a certain point where ur just so full of it u wanna puke LOL (or at least, that’s wat a fren of mine said). anyway, i wrote another poem about the exam and well, uh… enjoy. it’s called "Odyssey"(as usual, no part of this poem may be reproduced in any way possible without the writer’s, that’s me, permission).

Odyssey

In a battle of mental state and intelligence,

Chokehold works its ways in utter diligence,

Nerves and anxiety coalesce, merging as one;

As I struggle to stay ahead in the long-awaited hunt.

My senses are dying out, alerted and numb,

I feel surges of shock scurry through my brain.

I struggle to pen with my fingers and thumb,

But time is merciless to allow all treasures gained.

The odyssey, a great journey of never ending,

Repeats itself like a heart beat, reverberating.

At the end of the tunnel lies a halo of victory;

The ultimate reward, a catch beyond glory.

hey it’s been a while, i’m going through so much at the moment especially my finals among other less significant issues. but there’s one that particular bothers me and i wrote a poem about how i feel about it… u might not understand what it actually means but if u do, thank u. it’s called Help Me… (as usual, no part of this poem may be reproduced in any way possible without the writer’s, that’s me, permission).

Help Me

Help me, I am lost not knowing where I stand.

Confusion becomes me; I try to comprehend.

How could mere words cause hurt of such?

Fault the damned conclusion into which I barged.

Help me to seek the origin of this distaste,

Or evidence how honesty a repulsive face?

A blazing flame does not burn very long;

Still it is elusive how I am in the wrong.

Help me to recover from this thorny malady,

Before it consumes me like a famished mystery.

Help me, I beseech thee, allow bygones be bygones.

Let the dawn be embraced, the night be forgone.

my well-planned weekend was supposed to be awesome but it turned out to be the worst. i’m sorry for what i failed to do and here is a poem expressing my apology to my 2 good friends whom i offended greatly. you guys are the greatest. (as usual, no part of this poem may be reproduced in any way possible without the writer’s, that’s me, permission).

Rhapsody of Dispute

Dispute, conflict. Walk out, walk out of my door!

My heart is bleeding, I can’t bawl no more.

Stop it, stop it. Stop playing what thee do best,

My guilt is pounding, some fault I must confess.

The story has two sides, which do thee prefer?

Do not judge me just yet. Both sides thee must hear.

What if, what if. Why didn’t thee, why didn’t thee?

Confused. I wish, instead, I fulfilled thy plea.

Confounded, I feel a thing, sombrely funny.

It is a thing called shame, prickly covering me.

Apology. My voice imparts a mere expression.

A word that doesn’t undo what has been penned.

I’m only human, not bounded to perfection.

I’m sorry I hurt thee, someone I call friend.

a couple fo days ago, i had the worst monday. u know how they say monday sucks? well it’s true! hahahaha…. it feels like u have this bad hangover from the weekend’s bottle of fun. X) anyway, i wrote a poem about that particular Monday morning that morning as it turned out to be not so bad after all cause the first class of the day was canceled! well, here it is. tell me what u guys think! oh yeah, no part of this poem may be reproduced in any way without the writer’s (that’s me) permission. enjoy the poem!

Monday Morning

The piercing glow intrudes my serene sleep,

Restless, I inhale a breath so deep.

Feels like a weekend robbed, auld lang syne,

I yearn for my Monday peace of mind.

How saccharine the sound, my ears, slaked,

as I struggle to keep my eyes awake.

Good news, good news, a gem so scarce,

I receive it, in my eyes, spark stars.

The first lecture of the day, unredeemed,

Heads rest a lay, in thy warm tender dream.

2 nights ago, i suddenly became emo as i contemplated on things that i wish i have done but didn’t and how much i’m jealous of people who were able to do those things. i was really frustrated and suddenly realise that i was actually regretting over those things. i was so frustrated i actually thought that having a puff of ciggy wouldn’t be so bad. chill, i don’t smoke and never had. LOL. i ALMOST did though. instead, i thought expressing myself literaly would do me good and it did. here was the poem that i wrote that night. tell me what you think! oh yeah, no part of this poem may be reproduced in any form! anyway, i call this piece "Imprisoned By Regrets". enjoy!

Imprisoned By Regrets

I stare into the night with my eyes shut,
To the loudness of the silence, I listen,
Deliberating whether I should make a forward dart
Or turn back, undo the faux pas and amend.

But wait, time is more callous than any pain.
Nothing can be undone in her name.
I scream in hurt but my voice is a mute creature.
I hear the shriek of my past regrets matures
As far as I allow my ears to hear.

Like a ghoul, she creeps into my chamber,
Then, there stands a supercilious punisher,
Provoking my ultimate escape.
I extend my hand, to grasp her cape.

Our distance augments after my each impulsion.
My anger turns to frustration
In due time, to unreserved numbness.

Like death disguising itself as birth,
Like a mute faking sadness or a mirth,
Pretentious has its way with me.
Suddenly, she unlocks me with her key
My chamber breaks down into sands.
Overwhelmed, I step out, a free man.

Perplexed my heart, feels much lighter.
Rolling down my cheeks, tears, I shed.
Alas, the sound I have been yearning to hear,
The anthem of sovereignty over my ancient regrets.

I wrote this blog a couple of days ago and didn’t manage to post it on time. but here was what i wrote:

        I guess it is safe to say that it has been more than a year since I posted a personal blog here. The time now is 5.02pm on a Friday on 1st of February 2008. I just woke up from a siesta and it was an uneasy one. I don’t know whether to consider this a gift or a disorder but I have this weird tendency to compose new songs in my head when I am just about to doze off and usually I can make up to 3 or 4 songs before I actually fell unconscious into what is called a dream. Like 10 mins ago, in my nap, I was able to compose half a song for what sounds like a Japanese pop number (don’t ask me why, I can’t even speak the language decently), half a song for a Malay fast number and 1 complete song which sounds very Siti-Nurhaliza-esque. It feels like you have this invisible radio in your head and it keeps on playing and there is no off button, only a tuner instead to change the radio station channel and for each time you change the channel, an unprecedented song is played. But then there is no visible tuner, only your mind to control it.  And I can assure you that these songs are COMPLETELY unheard of and original and what I find intriguing is that I can change the melody of the song at will.  It’s so weird. And you know what, they actually sound good! LOL. X)

        ANYWAY, that wasn’t the main point of this blog.

After a long vacation away from blogging, I reckon that it is high time that I should confer fresh breaths of air to this old dilapidated blog of mine. For a start, I wish all of you a happy 2008 (I hope it isn’t too late) and a happy Chinese New Year to those who celebrate it.

2007 hasn’t been very interesting to me. It felt like one of those long drives to somewhere you can’t even remember because the ride was too lacklustre and the most exciting thing that could happen would be stopping by at some warung (that’s a malay word for somewhat of a “stall”) that sells fresh coconut pudding. 2007 started off bitter for me. For one thing, I wasn’t able to return home to celebrate Chinese New Year with my family. It sucked BIG TIME. No, I’m not talking about angpau money. I’m talking about missing the big family gathering with relatives whom you meet once a year and of course, family recipes especially grandma’s famous deep fried meat ball.  nonetheless, at least I got my angpau money deposited into my bank account. X)

        I didn’t make any new friends throughout last year (well, whoever doesn’t like making new friends or meeting new people must be boring) and nothing really cool happened. 2007 was all about studies and exam. The first half of the year was totally dreary except that I was able to attend OIAM finale concert. Faizal was kind enough to give me two front seat tickets. X)

        ANYWAY, most of the time (of the 1st half of the year), I was busy preparing for my Advanced Subsidiary exam (that’s the A-level first year exam). It is time like that that you wish you actually gave full attention during class (sigh!). The exam process alone proved to be challenging because it was a total of 8 different question papers to sit for over duration of 4 weeks and after each paper that you don’t think you did well, you get frustrated and it’s hard to focus for the coming papers. For us, we have to resit for the exam papers, in the following year together with the A-level year 2 exam, for subjects which you didn’t get an A for in the first year exam. So in a way, you could say
it would be an accumulating burden. Anyhow, the highlight of my 18th year came in the form of the exam result day. Yes, the big day. I remember it was a Thursday and everyone was tremendously nervous. The anxiety and nerves were undeniably unbearable. It felt like a balloon building up inside your chest and bursts and it keeps reiterating every fraction of a second. Imagine that and then, imagine that it started the night before when you’re on bed till the next morning during recess. That was when the official result was posted.  Obviously, no one could pay attention during class. I remember it was during Physics, approximately 9AM when I felt a vibration on my left thigh. It was my phone in my pocket alerting upon receiving an IM. I felt annoyed for some reason because I presumed that it was an IM from someone asking what my result was. I gawked at my left thigh with my chin resting on my knuckles and my elbows against the desk imagining what my actual result would be. I would be thankful if there was at least an A and hopefully no Ds (if it was a worse case scenario) because chemistry was my worst subject. I checked to see who sent the IM. It was Ms Lee, my English teacher. Among all the teachers who taught my class, you can say Ms Lee is the one whom I am close with. You see, she used to bring me to church before 3rd semester (that’s when the Catholic student population of my college increased.) What could the reason be that she IMed me? I proceeded to reading the IM. For some reason, the process of the phone displaying the IM felt longer than usual and I could even feel my heart beating so fast, faster than the beat that you hear when a professional tap-dancer dances.
        “Congrats, u got all As!”. I was baffled. I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes. Ashraf was sitting on my right. He noticed the state of frost that I was in and shook my shoulder forcefully. It was then that I realized I had this huge annoyingly broad smile sculpted upon my now cherry-flushed face. “I got all As.” I managed. “Thank you Lord Jesus.” I kept repeating to myself. I remember suddenly laughing and whispered loudly to the whole class of my good news. They congratulated alright but you couldn’t help sensing their (well, not all of them) envy of me receiving my pleasant surprise earlier than the whole batch. Oh no, please don’t get me wrong. Pardon me if I come across boastful. That’s not at all the point here. You see, I’m not the smartest guy in class. In fact, I believe I’m just average when it comes to studies and always have been. But I guess, at the end of the day, it’s the effort that you put into that counts along with faith and prayers and of course, God’s abundance blessings. When the actual result was posted, I could see some of my friends crying and some with heavily disappointed faces. It was then that you would suddenly feel bad, not because you did well, but because you wish they did as well as you. It was a difficult situation as you can imagine.

        The rest of the year sailed by very fast. Nothing so significant that I think should be written here.  It was probably around august that I got my first DSLR camera. (DSLR stand for Digital Single Lens Reflex. It’s one of those big bulky cameras with the manual lens that you usually see.) It is an Olympus EOS 510. I am still trying my best to utilise and master all its functions but it isn’t easy as it seems.

        Christmas was awesome. Great time with family and relatives and I was finally able to gather with all my former high school friends and for some reason, we felt closer than before. Lionel, if you’re reading this, we miss you mungit! (mungit is a Sabahan slang for monkey)  Pete, if you’re reading this, you should’ve came to the reunion before you left for US. Tsk.

        I guess that is all I can think of written for the time being. I’ll try my best to update as often as possible. Thank you so much for reading. God bless ya. X)

        Oh yeah, sorry if my English isn’t as up to standard as my previous posts. X)

Jay

our college have this public speaking program of which they will pick 3 random students weekly to present a brief talk on any topics in front of the whole college… and how convenient that i was 1 of them. tsk.. anyways, my turn was just a couple of days ago… and fortunately, it went quite well without boring my audience. so yeah… i’d like to share with guys what i talked about that day. here’s a copy of my speech. oh by the way, the title is "Is War The Only Answer?"  enjoy X)

"Ladies
and gentlemen, exactly what is meant by war? Most people would perceive it as
an armed conflict between two rivalries to obtain something that is highly
desirable. But sometimes, a war turns out to be a meaningless battle driven by
hatred and irrational thoughts, instead of a goal.

Let’s
refresh our memories on wars that are currently happening. There’s a civil war
between the Sunnis and the Shiites in Iraq, the battle to gain independence of
the Palestinians against the Israelis, then there’re numerous civil wars going
on in Africa, as well as fights for independence in Kashmir and Southern
Thailand and of course the famous war between Iraq and the United States of
America.

Most
of the time, we just read about these on going wars and be oblivious to them
because we take comfort in the fact that our country, Malaysia is as peaceful as
a country can get. We fail to understand their pain, their sufferings and their misery.
Imagine you being in their shoes for one moment. Imagine yourself shivering in cold,
starved half to death, seeing your family being shot at while running for your
life from being chased after by ruthless soldiers. How sad and poignant is that?

Undeniably,
war is brutal. War is full of waste. War is full of cruelty.
Inevitably, children and civilians are harmed. But it is not the worst thing.
Sometimes wars have to be fought to protect people, and to protect the world.
Not protecting the world, that’s the worst thing.

Without
war, Hitler would be President. Do you think the Nazis would have listened to
peace?

Without
war, we would not celebrate August 31st. Do you think the Japanese would have
listened to peace?

Without
war, African-American would still be slaves. Do you think the South of America
would have listened to peace?

Do
you celebrate our independence day? Do you celebrate your freedom, as
every man and woman does?

Without
war, you would not have it. Peace is an
act that has to be felt from the inside based on caring for other people. How
do you talk to a terrorist about caring for other people when they don’t even
value their own life? This is an act of justice. If it’s an act of revenge,
then we owe Timothy McVeigh an apology.

As a man of peace, I believe we should make room for love, not hate."   

Drop your comments please! appreciate it. X)
 

there’s an old song by Sam Cooke.. it’s called ‘A Change Is Gonne Come’. i believe the title itself alone delivers a very profound message, especially when we are stepping our feet into the new year in hopes of having a better one. a message of great hope.

since i was a kid, approaching new year was another excuse to go out and have fancy meals, to be jolly and enjoy the fireworks display of which we rarely see through out the year. i remember, every new year’s eve.. my family would have a special celebration and gosh, i miss those days.. days that i have terribly taken for granted. as i grew older, that tradition slowly faded away and everything got complicated. i have family issues and sometimes those issues get in the way of things–great things. im not gonna go through details cause everyone has problems and let’s face it, we dont like to hear nor face problems more than we like eating balsam pear or aubergine.

these couple of years, i’ve been spending new year’s eve with friends instead. it’s fun to be with friends. a different kind of fun compared to as what u would have with ur family. and tonight, the new year’s eve night… i had everything planned.. the perfect planned for a bunch of good friends to do. but in the nick of time, everything went wrong due to unforeseen circumstances and the plan got called off. fuck.

went out during the day and watched "Night At The Museum" with my old friends.
the movie wasnt bad, but it wasnt great either. it was nice to hang out with my old buddies (whom i havent seen in months) again and did a little catching up with them for old time’s sake. so i guess, that compensated for the uttermost dissapointing termination of my night plan. as soon as i got home, mum was getting ready to attend an office function at some grand hotel. so dad, bro n i went out for dinner at my dad’s favourite diner. they served the best ikan bakar, sate and dumplings. 3 of my favourite foods. well, at least that cheered me up a little.. nothing cheers u up like good foods.

while most of u were busy partying or barbecueing or having any form of celebration for the new year, i was stucked at home watching national geography with dad whilst my bro was out wif his friends. yeah.. u betcha, totally crappy new year’s countdown anyone could asked for.

for some reason, i dont feel at all excited for the new year like i would always would. and i just have this terrible hunch that 2007 gonna suck for me. i’ll have to double my effort of studying as my 1st semester final exam result wasnt at all encouraging. plus, i have to sit for A-levels’ AS exam from May to June. tremendous pressure is on again. sigh. but i’ll let God lead my way.  i am thankful for all the blessings He has given me through out 2006. i am truly grateful. 2006 has been by far the most AWESOME year of my whole 18 year of life. if 2006 was a loop-to-loop rollercoaster ride, i wish i could ride it again because what i’ve been through in 2006 was so much so what most people call "exhilarating". my only concern is that how on earth is 2007 gonna rock more than 2006 did? we shall wait and see then. after all, God works in mysterious ways.

i’m going back to college on tuesday morning and who knows, when will be the next time i’ll get to hang out with my buddies again. they say that good friends are hard to find, great friends are even harder. i hope i’ll make great friends at KMS and i think i already made one there (or at least, in progress i think?) . u noe who u r and if ur reading this, u suck! hahahaha.. (nvm, for those who didnt get wat i was saying. heh.)

last but not least, i wish u all a very splendid new year and may ur 2007 be filled with ever flowing joy, gladness and successes.

only God knows how much i love singing and performing but there is only one thing that almost always worries me. like peter pan who enjoys flying but fears terribly of growing up. or like a vampire who enjoys feasting on human blood but is afraid of the sun light. for me, it is stage fright. that forceful poundings u get between ur chest and ur heart that keep getting louder and stronger by the second.. that feeling of extreme anxiety for fear of making mistakes on stage or forgetting the words ur supposed to sing… yes, that’s what i am talking about.. Stage Fright.

ever since i break out of my shell (the shell that has kept me all shy and silent about my singing. yes its true, i was shy about my singing.. my only audience was the four walls of my bedroom as well as the walls of my shower room), the 1st time i sang on stage was truly overwhelming.. it gave me this incredible sense of satisfaction because at last, i was able to muster enough courage to do it.. to show my friends and everyone the other side of me, the singer side of me without fearing that they would judge me. well, if they did..so be it. i remember i was about 14 or 15 that time.. but i couldnt forget  the stage fright i had prior to my performance. i remember those terrible thoughts of screwing up, forgetting the lyrics, tripping on stage that sent signals to my hands and knees to tremble in fear. i almost felt like i could passed out but thankfully, i didnt.. but as the music played, i couldn’t wait to hit that 1st note of the song.. i remember singing "Thank You For The Music".there was this particular part of the song that went silent for a while and i swore i could hear the audience awed in amazement. subsequently, my stage fright was gone and so were my nerves.

but henceforth, the stage fright keeps coming back, like a boomerang, everytime when i was about to perform. i was never able to overcome this stage fright. i remember going for my 1st  audition at OIAM, i was gruesomely nervous.. to an extend where my throat went completely dry and there were butterflies in my stomach, my knees were violently trembling and a sudden sense of coldness came over me (or maybe it was the air-conditioner? haha..).. anyways, thanks to my nerves, i cracked one fucking note in my song but i continued the song til the end. i was totally dissapointed and surprised at the fact that i was capable of cracking that one crappy note. i could feel this sudden warm tinkle feeling cascading all over my face.. yes, it was the feeling of shame. but miraculously, the judges liked me and gave me the green light. i considered myself fortunate but at that point, i knew that i HAVE to kill my stage fright.

i never really manage to kill it yet but just recently, i finally managed to control it. and the result was fruitful. it was the best thing ever. last night, i performed at a Christmas Dinner. i sang ‘Oh Holy Night’ and ‘Pupus’. and i have to say. it was my BEST performance ever. i didnt tremble like i normally would and i nailed those songs. i hit those high notes like they never got hit before. and i even got great compliments from the VIPs that i didnt expect at all.. like TOTALLY.

a few more shows and i think i’m ready for another grueling singing competition. OIAM 2, here i come!

isn’t it funny how things sometimes turn out way different than what u expect? no matter how well u arrange ur plans, how well ur preparation for something, or how confident u are of something, it doesnt guarantee 100% the outcome will turn out to be what u desire or expect. sometimes, it doesnt reach any where near ur goal, instead it takes an interesting twist that’ll change ur life. it’s called fate. (don’t get me wrong, sometimes, with a lot of effort and hard work and prayers, u do reach ur goals.) it’s just goes to show that a higher power has planned our fate - God. no matter how hard u pray for something, i believe that God always answers our prayers as long as we have faith. but the matter is, God sometimes says ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ or ‘Not now, when the time comes’. i’ve learned about this since i was 12. i’m not gonna go through details cause u might get the impression of me bragging about myself. anyway, a year ago, i never thought that i would end up studying in Seremban. A simple lad from Sabah.. suddenly got an offer to study in Australia after completing A-levels in Seremban. i didnt even think of going to Aussie.. was planning to go to the US. see what i mean? life takes u to an interesting route sometimes.. me being grown up in a community dominated by chinese and kadazandusun, i never thought i would end up in a College where it is highly dominated by Malays (no offence, but it was sort of a culture shock for me) but it worked quite okay for me. and 1st impressions dont neccesary say it all.. a lot of my new friends are much more friendlier and nicer than they appear to be at 1st sight. see, things don’t turn out to be what u expect at times.